well i guess now it's technically tuesday...

for a few months now my car has been getting progressively dirtier.  i've been meaning to get it washed but i hate paying for things that i can easily do myself (valet parking ESPecially).  with that said, i've also been too lazy to go out to the driveway and hose it down.  so thank god it rained today!  i got a free carwash without having to lift a finger or pay a cent.  woohoo!

earlier today i sneezed in the bathroom at the school library.  an unknown man in a stall said, "bless you!"  he farted at the same time he said, "you!"  so instead of thanking him i laughed.  really hard.  i felt bad afterward but then laughed again thinking about it.

i am addicted to the $1 sweet tea they sell at mcdonald's, which is why i was in the bathroom earlier today.  i'd downed two of them after lunch.  i must have set some kind of longest pee record because i swear it took at LEAST 6.5 minutes to empty my bladder.

i know this because Owl City - Fireflies has been on repeat in my ipod for the past couple of weeks, which is a 3 minute, 48 second song.  it played one and a half times while i peed.  i kid you not.

actually, it's $1.09 sweet tea.  i should sue them for false advertising.  dollar menu my ass!  stupid 9% tax.

it's finals week, so it's only appropriate that a lot of fun awaits after a week in hell.  i'm going on a hot date this weekend, a christmas party, and getting a deep tissue massage next week.  and that's just the beginning of it all....i can NOT wait!

education would be so much better if there was no testing involved.  seriously, tests zap all the fun out of learning.  it's kind of like how Catch-22 was such a fucking hateable book in high school AP Lit.  but then you read it again, this time without the teacher's-every-other-word-symbolism-and-analysis-bullshit and now it's one of the best fucking books EVER!

i'm kind of hungry.  what should i eat?  i also really need to study.  GOOD NIGHT!

when she first told me about him, i vaguely remember just standing there.  i wasn't really angry.  i wasn't sad either.  in fact, i don't think i felt anything at all.  i recall a strange numbness taking hold of me, it was a surreal feeling.  i wondered if moments later i would simply wake up from a terrible dream.  or be let in on a practical joke. 

...i did not wake up though.  and it was no joke.

she told me what had happened, how it happened.  that she was so sorry, that it'd been a big mistake.  i listened and took it all in.  i even pulled her into my arms, and let her tears fall onto my chest.  my mind searched for words to say.  everything.  ANYthing.  but the words did not come.

how DO you ever prepare yourself to hear that you've been cheated on?

the fact is, i'd always been too self-absorbed to ever think something like that could ever happen to me.  i had a lot of things going for me.  a good education, ambitions for a bright future and lucrative career, and even in my awkwardness i'd managed to garner the attention of a lot of girls around.  but i was also the nice guy.  and like any nice guy would, i had always brushed aside any temptation and faithfully stood by her side.

so how could she?  how could she do that to me?

it took a few weeks, make that a few months, before i realized how IT had made me change.  alone and without ever having really confronted the issue, without ever having dealt with the pain, i'd let myself go.  and so there i was...  a fat, embittered shell of a man full of self-pity and self-loathing.  i'd translated the rage i felt from her betrayal onto myself.

i would have preferred uninhibited Rage.  to be reckless.  to slur unspeakable malice.  to spew venom.  to give her a big FUCK YOU.  but instead, a far worse demon had come.  Doubt.

struggling with your own worth is not a fun thing to endure.  i wish i were smarter.  i wish i were taller.  i wish i were better looking.  i wish i wish i wish...  maybe then IT would never have happened.  maybe IT happened because i'm not better.

yes.  yes, IT was my fault. 

Doubt eats away at your core.  and like a plague it spreads to all the other areas in your life, infecting your thoughts with questions of uncertainty.  and so with a conflicted spirit and weary mind, suddenly, everything is turned upside down.  indecision stifles your choices.  insecurities lead to poor judgement.  and both of these in turn overwhelm you with feelings of failure, allowing you to hate yourself even more.  and the vicious cycle drags you down deeper, and deeper, and deeper still.  so in the end, what should have been a simple end to a young relationship had become something so much more. 

j...  a bit dramatic, no?

well, yes.  i suppose you are right.  Doubt aside, i was raised to be a strong individual.  i was taught of the importance to believe in oneself.  and i did.  i had nothing to be ashamed of.  i excelled in most things i tried, and i was going to be somebody.  i had the choice to grieve my bad luck, of something that was completely out of my hands, then pause to collect myself and carry on.  i had the choice to translate the rage i felt from her betrayal instead to something constructive.  something like fuel – fuel i could use to push myself to greater heights.

but truth be told, it was all too easy to choose the alternative.  it was much more gratifying, playing the role of the victim.  and so i embraced it.  i LET it affect my life. 

but a funny thing happens when you choose pity over empowerment.  after awhile, you no longer LET anything happen.  it begins to happen for you.  and like any addiction, Sympathy has become a drug.  intoxicated by its comforting effects, you seek more and more of it, until the lines of "playing the victim" and reality become blurred....and you find yourself a fat, embittered shell of a man full of self-pity and self-loathing.

what came next i can only describe as a period of reckless abandon.  Rage had finally found its way to me.  i'd grown tired of being weak.  i'd grown tired of the constant gloom.  i wanted to take the reins of my life again.  and this time, i would with a vengeance.  so i threw myself out there.  i masked my fears with arrogance.  i shielded my insecurities with money and material things.  i took care of my body.  i felt reborn. 

but it was a rebirth of the worst kind.  shortly after i began to date again.  it started with a few dates here and there.  and then it was a few a day.  a dozen different girls a week.  i strung them on without a conscience.  i broke their hearts without remorse.  i relished being in the driver's seat.  as long as it wasn't my heart, right?  i was an emotional cripple. 

after some time, i grew tired of that lifestyle that wasn't really me.  i found myself once again in a meaningful relationship.  it was refreshing to be able to set aside the hardened exterior, to be a nice guy with romantic ideals again.  this was the skin i was more comfortable in.  but there were things that carried over still.  doubt, fear, and a newly-discovered jealousy restricted my capacity to give.  i could not bring myself to be vulnerable.  so in the end, it didn't last.  but it was an infinitely smoother end than the first time around.  in fact, it was a simple (and amicable) end to a more mature relationship.  nothing more.

there was no period of insanity that ensued.  there was no time of emotional turmoil as well.  life simply went on.  i distracted my loneliness with silly schoolboy crushes.  i dated occasionally, but without any serious intent.  i focused instead on myself.  i applied myself diligently to building a career.  i devoted myself to becoming a better son, brother, a better friend.  it was a time of healing that'd come much delayed, but had come nevertheless.  and it was very welcome.

but that was all a long, long time ago...

still, it'd taken all these years for my heart to finally softened.  i was instilled once again with the hope of L O V E.  once again i felt deserving of something good.  but more importantly, i felt capable of giving something special as well. 

and that's when i met her...